Getting back together with your ex is exciting and terrifying at the same time. The excitement stems from the opportunity to repair the relationship and knowing the love of your life will still be in your arms. The terror comes from questioning yourself, being confused about your emotions, and not knowing with 100% certainty that getting back together is the right thing to do. Nobody wants to get back together just to break up again a few months down the road.

When it comes to getting back together, many people only think about the “communication” aspect of it. They want to know the words and phrases they can say to their ex to get him or her to come crawling back. But there are actually several extremely important steps you need to take BEFORE communicating with your ex if you want to have a successful relationship the second time around.

1. Why Did You Breakup?

This is a question you really need to think about and answer honestly. It’s not always as easy as it sounds, especially if you’re the one who got dumped. It’s difficult because the reason your ex gives you for breaking up may or may not be the REAL reason he or she broke up with you.

If your ex cheated on you or you cheated on them, then the reason for the breakup is pretty obvious. Or is it?

Cheating may have caused the split, but you still need to figure out what was wrong in the relationship that caused the infidelity to occur in the first place. If you and your ex are both truly happy and all your needs are met, then cheating isn’t likely to occur.

You also have to determine if your ex cheated because something was wrong in your relationship or if they are just a serial cheater who is prone to cheating. If the latter rings true, then he or she isn’t a good fit for you if you hope to have a long-term monogamous relationship.

Cheating is just one reason for a breakup. It’s critically important to do your best to understand what went wrong in your own relationship before you ever try to get your ex back.

2. Forgive Yourself And Your Ex

That’s right. Before you can hope to get your ex back, you need to be willing to forgive yourself and forgive your ex for any problems you had in the relationship. Holding onto the past is a sure recipe for disaster in the future. You don’t need to forget, but you need to be willing to accept what happened and move on from it.

People who live in the past are less attractive. Relationship expert Michael Fiore talks about this inside his Text Your Ex Back program, which you can learn more about at michaelfiore.org. Fiore explains:

“It’s a proven psychological fact that people want to associate with those who project the qualities of success and forward momentum– not failure and longing for yesterday. The inescapable truth is that nostalgia is SAD. Living in the past is SAD. It’s like grown women who collect dolls, or dusty old trunks full of letters from dead people. If you’re looking backward, you are not projecting an aura of success, intrigue, and excitement. You have a big rainy cloud over your head that says SAD SACK. And nobody (least of all someone who knows that you fart in bed) wants to date a SAD SACK. As soon as you give up looking toward the past, you’ll be at least 50% more attractive.”

If you can’t let go of the past, no matter how horrible and traumatic it was, you’ll never allow yourself to experience a more loving and more fulfilling relationship with your ex.

3. Accept The Breakup

I just touched on this briefly, but it’s important enough to stress again. If you want your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back, you need to accept what happened in the past and realize your relationship will never be the same. As Michael Fiore puts it:

“Your old (DEAD!) relationship probably ended for a good reason. Trying to get it back is a big mistake, and it misses the biggest opportunity you have going for you. If you go into this program trying to “get your old relationship back,” you’re going to fail. You and your ex are different people now than you were the last time you were together. Whether that was two days, two months, or two decades ago, things are not going to be what they were.”

But this is a good thing. You don’t want a broken relationship anyway. Getting back together is your opportunity to learn from the past, start over, and create a new, better relationship from the ground up.

4. Why Do You Want To Get Back Together?

Once again, you need to be honest with yourself. What’s the real reason you want to get back together?

• Because you love your ex and feel your problems can be resolved?
• Because you need your ex’s financial support?
• Because you just can’t stand the thought of your ex being with someone else?
• Because you want revenge?
• Because you’re afraid of being alone?
• Because the sex is unbelievable?

Only you know the real reason you want to get back together with your ex. Not every reason is a good reason to get back together. Just be honest with yourself so no one else gets hurt.

Communicate With Your Ex

If you’ve gone through the steps above, then you’re now ready to communicate with your ex. This can be extremely difficult, especially if you went through a bad breakup. It’s hard not to blame each other. It’s hard not to fall into old habits. It’s hard to let go of things. But if you focus your communication on the negativity from the past, you will fail.

There’s actually a much better way to communicate with your ex after a breakup. Details here.